Sorry I havn’t posted in a while, I’ve been distracted trying to find work for the next 6 months.
Anyway.. I need to share this with someone, and anyone in my personal life is just going to be judgemental and critising. So I feel like this is an outlet where I can let people know what’s been troubling me. Well.. not really troubling but I guess.. Upsetting.
You know that feeling in your stomach..gut, when you’ve just heard bad news, the one that literally makes you feel so be-little and unworthy of anything? …That’s exactly how I feel right now..
And yes, you have it right- this is to do with Ass-Love guy. But for this post I’m just going to refer to him as “Ass”.. because I just feel crap.
I know that before I said I was okay with it all.. Just being friends and casually having a strictly sexual thing going on… but I’m not. I don’t think I realised how attached I am or how much I care for the guy.
Today, while we were talking he mentioned again- he likes blondes, but then he also said in a somewhat patronizing way ‘Asian girls are fun’, when I went on to try and ask him how he knows he wouldn’t be able to fall for one, he said he doesn’t know. He then goes on to explain that he’s ‘looking for asian girls atm to just have fun with’. He’d only consider getting serious with a blonde..
Now don’t get me wrong, this made me feel quite awful considering my parent’s are well technically Asian/Indian and so even though I was born in a western country- my looks still appeal that way as well. But the worst part is.. that when he said ‘he doesn’t know..’ – it almost felt like it was specifically me that he didn’t want, (sorry to be cliche), but it seriously feels like I’m not pretty enough, or skinny enough or tall enough or anything. It just made me feel like this tiny little thing in the world that can just easily be toyed and played with.
And now writing this post has gotten me kind of upset again.. So I’ll just leave things here for now and continue later. Sorry to be so depressing guys.
ambiguousdream 