Rejection Flashbacks

I know I haven’t written in ages – but I guess from the topics I post about, that’s probably a good thing for me anyway.

The past few months have been difficult, I keep dwelling on the past and feeling pretty down about myself and everything… I guess this (yet again) has to partly to with ass-face guy (shocker!) I miss him.

I know, he used me. I guess I don’t really miss him, I just miss being that close to a guy and feeling somewhat loved even if it’s in an artificial sort of way… (I know I sound fairly pathetic right now).

Getting back on track, I thought I’d share my major realisation for tonight.

I have a crap record when it comes to guys.

The first guy I kinda liked was in about grade 3 (so innocent!), and I remember kissing him behind one of the trees on the playground and he said he didn’t want to kiss me anymore because he had a girlfriend (who wasn’t me – despite the fact that for the past few weeks we’d been kissing behind a tree). This was my first rejection.

The next time was in Grade 6/7/8 Early Highschool years – I had this major crush on a guy, who i’d managed to get really close to.. but in Grade 7 during one of my english classes, I found a note on the ground with a conversation between my best friend and him. It was about me… She was basically begging the guy to go out with me, because she felt sorry for me and the fact that no guy had ever liked me before.. He declined saying “But she smells and she’s ugly”. Later, he and my best friend ended up dating for about a year and when that ended he started dating another one of my close friends… This was my second rejection to date.. and possibly one that I’ll never forget..

The next one, you guys already know a bit about.. Ass-face guy. We met because he somehow added me on my msn (the good ol’ days..) and then exchanged numbers and became super close.. then he moved to the same city I live in and eventually we met. Shortly after my 18th birthday (my second time seeing him).. I lost my virginity to him, which is my biggest regret to date. I know, he used me and I was stupid and ignorant to think that he wanted anything more than sex from me.. but at the time he made me feel loved.. which is something I haven’t felt before.. Anyway, I remember feeling really intense feelings for him (and I honestly don’t know if I was in love with him or anything), but I know that I wanted something more… and he said I was too young.. and that I’m annoying and come across as desperate sometimes.. and that he preferred blonde girls. This was my third and final rejection to date..

Right now, I feel pretty crappy and I wish I knew if I’ll ever find a guy who just wants me for who I am and who genuinely cares about me, loves me and wants me.. I sound stupid.. But more than anything in the world, more than my career or material things.. I just want a family. Is it too much to ask for a guy who respects you and actually loves you and wants you in this day and age? Maybe I’m just asking for too much…